ARE ALL DESIRES GOOD?
If you’ve followed my teaching for a while you’ll know there are two key principles I invite people to explore consistently:
1. Listen to your desire.
2. Learn to use it as a guide.
When I first set out to explore the erotic in my life, I was so disconnected from the voice of my desires, I needed these repeated reminders to tune in, to feel, and to listen. The same is true for many of my students and clients. I’m sure several of you have had me ask, “If you knew your desire would be received with total approval, what would you allow yourself to want?
Sometimes the answer is crystal clear — confronting, but clear. Yet other times, not so much. We’re complex beings, so it’s natural that desire arrives with ambivalence. We want the growth and depth of a commitment relationship AND we want the freedom and exploration of the single life. We want health and vitality AND we want chocolate chip cookies (yum). So how do you know when to trust a desire? Are some desires just wrong?
This questions has me think of a student who came to me confused because she wanted to explore her erotic self, but each time she had sex she felt a longing for more romantic affection. So was her desire for casual sex wrong? In a purity culture it could be easy to surmise that. On the other hand, one might assert her desire for romance was Disney conditioning preventing her from full sexual liberation.
That some desires are just wrong (egoic, shadow, or simply bad habit) is an easy conclusion. How often we do this — force our world into polarities and oversimplifications. While being definitive feels good, it usually involves some self delusion — a shortcutting to clarity that erases the complexity of our human experience.
What if instead of “right or wrong?” we were to ask, “what part of me is desiring this?”. Instead of moral certitude, we would get information. We’ve all had the experience where “part of me wants _____, yet part of me desires ______.” There are parts that want safety and serenity. Parts that want spontaneity and surprise. And parts that want to nap. So what part of you is driving a particular desire? What’s happening for this part? And what does it really need? Only by asking the desiring part itself can we discover the truth.
As Richard Schwartz, founder of Internal Family Systems, points out, there are no bad parts. There are scared parts, yes. Vulnerable parts. Confused parts. Excited parts. Parts with a mix of all of the above. But no bad parts. So find out what’s happening for the part of you that wants what it wants. What has it wanting casual sex? What has it desiring romantic affection? What has it craving chocolate chip cookies?
As you listen without judgment, your desires will likely make a lot more sense. You may come to see the wisdom of what the desire is calling you to. Or you could discover a deeper desire beneath the initial call. You might find the desire is driven by an underlying fear or unaddressed trauma that needs attention in order to not obfuscate your longings. And/or countless other possibilities. Good or bad isn’t the question as much as “what lies beneath?”.
So listen. And listen even more deeply. Let me know what you hear.
