Why We Want What We Want
In a class today, the topic of dating came up. How to become the person who can have the relationship one desires. We ran through the list of what one student felt were their personal improvements to make. They had some fear to handle. Some pounds to lose. Some confidence to gain. It wasn’t a bad list. I’m sure all of those things would feel good. But as we sat with it, one thing became clear. That when we don’t have a fundamental connection to our rightness, to a deeper sense of who we are, to god or a higher power, then desire (and really any self improvement) becomes a compensatory measure.
Feeling we’re not enough, that we’re fundamentally amiss, we arm ourselves with a list of things to accomplish or acquire in order to feel right in the world.
It reminded me of a conversation I had with a friend over coffee last year. He described how as a man, he wanted to ‘build a world’ so that when he met a woman he had something to offer. Again, not an ignoble pursuit. But as he described his vision, all I could see was a house built on sand. All the formula and fixings of an accomplished life, without the foundation needed for one.
Desire is not a list to achieve. Rather it’s an underlying pulse to follow. Yes, we talk about becoming the person who can actually have what you want — but the paradoxical truth is that you become that person by remembering who you are, in the deepest sense. And it’s only in remembering who you are that you can stay true to the pulse of desire. Otherwise you’re too stuck in your head, reviewing your list, and making the effort to get or become something to ever hear anything.
The 12 step process starts with 3 steps about a Higher Power for just this reason. If you dive into the deep soul searching of a 4th step inventory without the solid foundation that comes from being plugged into god, it all becomes too personal. And what is personal must be defended. Paradoxically, remembering who you are brings both greater power and greater humility. Following desire from this place becomes a process of surrender, rather than an act of acquisition.
This evening, I found an old meme on my phone. It says “Dear know it all. You are in the way. Please step aside while I make magic happen for you. — The Universe”. Yup, that’s it. That stepping aside is a ceasing of the scrambling on the surface, and dropping down to where the real power lies.
The cool thing is that when we remember, the rest becomes fun, a game — it’s fun to lose the weight, to put on the makeup (remember my friend and the red nail polish?), to build a world. We don’t do it because there is something wrong with us that needs correcting, or something missing that we need to get. We do it because we’re held within something so great, and we have a pulse moving through us that is so assuring, that we can afford to play.
